In the House (ITH): Mister Trump, thanks for taking time away from your campaigning to talk to me about curling. I’m sure you are very busy.
The Donald (DT): I love curlers. And curlers love me. Curlers are the Best. I am looking to build a TRUMP curling club and it will be the best curling club you have ever seen. The rings will be made out of gold. Golden Rings. Real gold. And the Bar. Oh the Bar. Trust me- the bar will be amazing.
ITH: Wow. That sounds nice. I will have to join. So do you follow curling?
DT: Have you been listening? – I said I love curling. Most people don’t know but I used to curl. I was a great curler. I was a skip of course. I would fire a player very week. I said – you are not sweeping hard enough. You are FIRED. But good people curlers. Awesome people.
ITH: So what teams do you think will win this year?
DT: None of the Euro-teams. I hate these Europeans. They come to our bonspiels – they hit on our women – they win our prize money. I hate them. Did I mention my curling club will have a wall? This Edin guy. Or Van Dorp. Or any of those Scottish guys. I would not even them in the country. Vikings are lazy people. But not all of them. I would let the good ones in. Like the Swedish women. They can come curl. But we need to keep the others out. I will build a wall – and make Manitoba pay for it!
ITH: Wow. So which of the Canadian teams do you like?
DT: I like Gushue. Don’t like Koe. I like guys with hair. Little Mike McEwen – he lost Manitoba too many times. I like winners. Jacobs team – love them – he reminds me of my kids. They act like winners. And those guys have big hands. Does that guy Stoughton still curl? He had some nice hair.
ITH: How about the women?
DT: I love women. I think we need to change the tournament format – to combine it with the Trump pageants that I run. A bonspiel should have a swimsuit category. And dance numbers. Did I mention I love women. Melania used to play too. She played for Slovakia. She was the best. I think she played in the Olympics.
ITH: But which team will win?
DT: Rachel Homan scares me. I have heard – some people are saying - she is a curling robot. I am not sure – this is what I am hearing. I have never seen her birth certificate Just sayin'. Jennifer Jones – she is a winner. Lover her. She would not have deleted any emails.
ITH: Well thanks for your time Mr. Trump- this was certainly interesting.
DT: No problem. Vote for me and I promise – I WILL MAKE CURLING GREAT AGAIN!!!!
So we are back for another season! We start our official season this weekend in Ottawa at the RCMP curling Club – at their Fall Open bonspiel. (The 2 Toronto spiels don’t count as part of our season – we did not have team jackets yet!)
For those who do not remember – or do not care that much, I have a new team this year for the first time in while. I am playing with Felix Asselin – (who is younger than my sliding broom – really), Will Dion who looks like he should be playing football or chainsawing a tree somewhere and Miguel Bernard who amazingly is not Mexican (thank God – Trump would have freaked!). Looking forward to seeing what we can do!
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Okay – I promise- this will hopefully be the ONLY time I talk about sweeping rules and broom banning this season.
As promised, the powers that be assembled in Ottawa this summer and tested and tested and came up with a solution the broom controversy that plagued curling all of last year. So here is a summary of what they came up with:
- One Fabric for All brooms: As I predicted last spring – the solution is ONE FABRIC to be used on all competitive curling brooms. Specifically a mustard yellow, non-waterproof fabric called WK 420R.
- No Change to sweeping technique rules: This would have been unworkable and impossible to police – so this decision was inevitable.
- No trading brooms between players. This will be especially great during cold season! One broom per guy! The happies guy with this rule change is Robert Desjardins’s lead – who had to carry 49 brooms around with him everywhere he went last year!
- No changing pads during a game: Of course – this one made sense- otherwise you would again have teams changing pads depending on the shot they were playing.
Important note for you recreational curlers out there: THIS DOES NOT APPLY TO YOU!!! The rules are only for competitive events like the World Curling Tour – Cashspiels and CCA events. If somebody in your club ladder game tells you your broom is illegal – refer back to my previous and not-too-subtle blog on the subject entitled: My Broom also works as a Rectal Thermometer.
Seriously folks – I think it is time for us all to take a step back and remember that this is curling. It is in its greatest form, a sport that is supposed to be an embodiment of sportsmanship.
Many (including me) got wrapped up in this bullshit last year and it really put a dark cloud over the game I love. The usual post game beer was replaced by – “we are heading back to the hotel – see you later”, even when the next game was not for a long time. I found myself sometimes playing (and even blogging) angry. Not good.
I vow to not let this happen again!!! Join me and we will make Curling Great Again!
Sorry got carried away there.
Will blog in the next few weeks with what I see coming in Quebec men’s and women’s curling, as soon as get back on the ice and figure out who is curling with who!!!